I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
