I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
