If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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