you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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