I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
