god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
