There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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