carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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