she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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