you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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