i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
he fucked my hip out of place.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
