Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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