my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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