Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
