If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
