If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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