i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
