Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
