I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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