They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
