Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
