fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just want nice things and good sex
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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