it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
