batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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