It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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