Fuck appropriateness.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
