The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it was like eating out sand paper
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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