ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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