We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
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