I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The feeling are messing with the penis
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
