I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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