ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
