im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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