i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
