It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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