Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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