I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Pappa wants mamma naked
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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