So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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