It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
