so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
