can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
