I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
there is puke in my bra ... again
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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