Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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