Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
