saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
