So drunk, too bad you don't want this
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
