my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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