Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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