Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
