He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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